This is has been shorted to make a point. It was posted on my Facebook Feed, by some one that I know from an on-line community that I am no longer part of. Even with my parting of ways with this community, I have lingering friendships with some of the people who I meet there. This person falls in to that category, even of we don’t spend much time interacting.
From Facebook comment:
“Not one person I know that is fat says, “I’m so glad I’m big, it makes me …feel so much better about myself!” It hurts. It hurts in a way I can’t describe. It causes a cycle that eats you from the inside out. You sit and you hate yourself, the more you hate the bigger you get, the bigger you get the more you hate over and over. “
” When I run, walk, lift weights, all eyes are on me. The fat guy in a world built for athletes. Well fuck that! I’m accomplished more in my life because of what it took to do what I did and what I do through the laughs and the giggles and the comments. I can’t control what idiot on the street says, but I damn sure can control what I expose myself too somewhere I used to go for inspiration and companionship. I deserve a world that respects what I have to offer, not what I carry around!”
I am fat if you have spent any time here or hell even by the name of my blog you can get the fact that I am not one of the skinny people. I have been “obese” most if not all of my life by the standards that the medical professions use. BMI, % of body fat, all of those things say that I am obese. But I have never read anything that explains the way it feels to be fat in a skinny world, the way you hate yourself so much for WHAT you are that you are willing to do more harm to yourself. The statements above paint a clear picture of the self torment that we subject ourselves to.
While I left the community for different reasons than he did, towards the end of my time there I didn’t feel welcome because I was not like everyone else there. I felt that I had to defend my self, because I was fat and not a fast/far runner. I felt like they put up with me, because it was the “right” thing to do. Some one who has a 10 pounds to lose may not understand some one who has 110 pounds to lose, but I guess we all beat ourselves up for the same reasons.
So thank you for your honesty T, I understand this feeling and I love that I can see it in writing. It make what I have not been able do describe real.
Some people my think that my blog name and twitter name are disrespectful to myself, I don’t see it that way. It is the truth I am unsvelte and I am ok telling the world that. But there are times that I am fall in to the trap, the pattern that is described above. But no matter what my weight is I will always still be me. Quirky, quick witted, sarcastic and loving me.That is what I have to remember.
It’s not nice to be mean to people, even if those people are ourselves.