I love to take photos of flowers, any old flower. Today was one of the nicest day we have had in the Bay Area so far this spring. I should have been out talking pictures of pretty flowers but I was stuck in the house trying to makes some head way on my Script. I have 4 days left and about 50 pages left. Can you say, hopeless feeling? I am going to give it a go any way. I will pound out as many pages as I can until 11:59:59 on the 30th. I have learned that I am a very busy person, and once you get behind no matter how hard you try to catch up you may not make it. I am off to go breath some more life in to my characters in my play. Wish me luck!
This post has been “brewing” for about a week now, it has taken many forms over this time, from full of dark, deep seeded hate towards me, to boohoo poor me, and now we are here.
You see last week in my photo class it was self portraits, well that right there was enough to make anyone squeamish but to this fat girl who is in denial about just how fat she really is it was a nightmarish. Let me perfectly clear here, I know that I am fat; this is a fact that I have known most if not all of my life. From the moment that I realized that I was not able to share my best friend’s cute clothes because I was too big. Or the moment that I had to shop in the “Old Lady” section at the store for my back to school wardrobe, I knew. Those are the moments that make it painfully clear that you are not like everyone else around you.
We “adults” play games when it comes to weight. We say thing like “Oh, she has such a pretty face” or “What a great personality”. We all know what they are trying to say; without even thinking about it, we know that the person in question is in fact fat.
I don’t have any real memories of people being mean to me due to my weight. I can tell you that I was not dating much in high school and once I got out of school, the only guys that talked to me wanted to get in my pants. They didn’t like me as a person they just wanted a warm body to do and if nothing else I was that um… warm.
I don’t think this is the same for men, they can get away with having extra weight, and they have to be really, really, horribly fat before they fall in that category of being fat, even than it is not the same, it just isn’t, that is my story and I am sticking to it. Not ever having been a man, this is all based on my opinion. I had a friend tell me, he is a he-that said I was wrong about this. I am guessing that he has never had someone have to get drunk before they could even thing about having sex with him, even though he is overweight. Not that he is one for casual anything like that, but still even overweight I would say he is a good looking guy. And if he was in to casual sex I think he would have no problem scoring, is that what they still call it, I have been out of that, world for a very long time. Thankfully I am not looking to go back to it, ever.
Ok, back to me. At this point I weigh just a little under 300lbs, wow I can’t believe that I put that in writing, for the world to see (ok I know that no one really reads this but still). Anyway, at one point in my life, I really like my curves I was able to convince myself that I was blessed because I was well proportioned even with the being fat part. I don’t have the apple bottom issue or the pear shaped issue, I was “thick” and it was all good. This is the part that I am denial about. I still felt that way even pushing 300 that I was still well proportioned. That was until last weekend.
I am here to tell you, that I am delusional at best about this. Holy shit I am not so well proportioned any more, I guess almost 20 years will do that to ya, but still holy crap at some point I became that person with the extra elbow skin that looks like their upper are is slowly eating the lower arm, you know that I am talking about. And how many chins can one person have? I think the max maybe 45…I know that I do not really have that many, but there is defiantly more than one going on, that is for sure.
I had some photos taken over weekend and man I can not even find words to describe how I feel about the photos. There have been many tossed about in my head but nothing I can share with out a lot of **** or @@#$#$ so use your imagination for that. I will try to describe what I see in the photos, I still have them (crazy I know) but I will not post them not right now any way. So here we go with the description. You have seen the pictures of the people on the beach with an inter tube around their middle section right? Ok, hold on to that image make the person short and put a Cal t-shirt on that image and that is what I looked like in this photo. I was horrified, yeah that is not a strong enough word, will keep working on it. (See I sorta got back to the self portraits part of the story, sorry for the wandering tirade that I took us on.) I know we are all our worst critics but “fuck, what the hell, how do I go out in public looking like that” is all that come to mind when I was looking at the photos from the trip to Angel Island, which by the way was very nice, I love living in the Bay Area.
How is that glasses of water don’t do the whole Jurassic Park-the giant dino is coming ringlet vibration thing when I walk by or why are people not taking cover because the “big one” has hit as I stroll by. I know, I know I am “perfect” just the way I am blah, blah, blah. See that right there is what I am talking about that insipid drabble that people will give us when they don’t what to “hurt our feelings” or that we give ourselves.
But none of it is true, if I was perfect just the way I am right now, the diet industry would not be making billions off of people like me, who don’t like themselves enough or have been told that they are not good enough because they weigh too much. If that were true the first thing that crosses my mind when I say those photos would not have been negative and hateful it would have been something like “damn, what a great photo, look how pretty it is outside that day”, but there is not such thing that crosses my mind. The very first thing was “I NEED TO GO ON A DIET!!!!” I don’t need a diet what I need is to do is either accept myself the way I am today in those hideous photos or do something about it. But a diet in and of itself is not what I need; a diet will not keep the weight off. I did the diet thing with some great success, I lost 45lbs in about 18 months, but as soon as I stopped dieting it all came back. And now I get to lose it again and again and again until I make the choice to change my life long habits or like me just the way I am. I am pissed off and would love to blame this on all the images of the Lollipop shaped (big head stick thin bodies) people in Hollywood that make me feel bad about myself, or the clothing designers who don’t get that we are not all built like 14 year old boys when they are designing clothing for women. But they don’t have any control over how I feel, I allow myself to feel the way I do no one makes me feel it. I guess the whole point to this stupid long post is that I need to make changes either in the way I think or the way I eat.
My Dear Hubby is so sweet and supportive of me at all times. I know that he loves me just the way I am, and to him I really am perfect. Now I just wish I could see myself the way he sees me, because maybe I am not so bad after all. I guess I will have to see where this all goes now.
For some reason this year I am all nesty and stuff, not really sure that nesty is a word but if it was a word it would mean -when one dose things to enhance ones home ie, holiday decorations and nostalgic feelings.
The last few years have been bahhumbug for me with little to no effort put in to the house and the decorations for the holidays. This year I have decorated outside, with some sort of driven focus that compelled me to hang ornaments from my outside tress too, and put up twinkle lights and faux trees on my porch. I am not sure what this sudden nesting is all about (no I am not pregnant, thanks for asking) I just want to feel more connected with my family and traditions I guess.
As the year draws to an end I sit here trying to remember the important things that happened this year, so far I have very little. My Dear Son, started high school this year, he did cross-country and seemed to like it alot. But other wise it was just one big blur of going to work , hating my job, coming home cooking dinner, going to bed, getting up and doing it all over again.
I need to make some moves next year that will bring me closer to the person I would like to be someday. First, it would help if I could find out what that looks like, being that I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, this task may prove to be a bit harder for me to get to the end game. But I do know that I would like to try going back to school, yet again. Well sorta, we live a few blocks from the Adult School and always get their flyers in the mail. This is the first time I have really thought about taking some classes for real.
I started out in graphic design many moons ago. But was not able to apply myself to going to class and never finished, hell I still owe them $$ for that and it was like 12 years ago (I know like to procrastinate, a lot) I am going to get that taken care of this year too, it is on my 2010 to-do list (I hope for spring semester). At the Adult School they are offering a cert program in graphic related software applications, that I am interested in learning. As part of my plan I am going to see if I can use my educational leave that I get every year and never use, from my company. I just have to convince them that it is some how related to my current job, which it is because the boss wants to start doing newsletters and stuff like that so graphic design and things like would be related.
When I sat down to write this post it was just going to be a simple wish for a good holiday for every one and it has turned in to me blabbing on about my plans for my life. I am not sure how it happened. But here is your holiday wish: