I when home last night and got changed to head out to “winter training” in weather that can only be described as “cold as a huckabuck”. I was all set in my 2 layers of technical fabric that were all set to wick away the sweat as well as keep me some sort of warm at the same time. I seriously did think that there would be any sweat produced it was just that cold. I also had on a beanie, gloves and warm socks with my water shoes (that whole minimal/barefoot running thing). We here in the Bay Area like the fact that we have “moderate” weather all year; this was by far much colder. I know that if any of you who read this and live in a cold climate zone is just going to point and laugh at me but damnit I don’t like the cold. But I was going to run in it come hell or high water.
So I kiss Dear Hubby as I head out the door into the cold and darkness to drive to the field by myself, because my running partner (Friend 1) backed out on me. There was sad face as well as mad face to be had about that one, but that is another post. I was determined that I was going to go even if it was by my self. As I try to pull in the lot I am faced with a line of cars coming out, there is only one way in and out (good planning on their part, not). As I was waiting for the cars to get the hell out of the way, I was starting to panic just a little. I knew there was high chance that there would be runners, real runners. And I was ok with that when there were going to be two of us fat non real runners, but it was just me. I had half a mind to just give up on getting in to the parking lot , go home and have a good cry ( I am sure that works off some calories from the sobbing? right?) but I didn’t. Again sad face was to be had.
I finally, get in to the lot; at this point I am nearing panic stricken stage. That is the one right before you pee yourself and run off screaming like a loon, I think. I slowly make my way to through the lot to find a parking place; I want some where I can stay in the safety of my vehicle and watch who shows up for this thing, before I commit to getting out and joining or peeling out in the parking lot as I retreat. Well sure enough there is a spot right near where they were meeting. I WAS RIGHT THEY WERE REAL RUNNERS!! I may head it was a bit like Miss Piggy when she puts her hands on head and “runs” back and forth yelling, “AAAHHHHH”. From what I could see there were 197 of them. Well ok that was a bit of an exaggeration maybe just a bit there were about 12 of them, but they were all runners, every last one of them.
I just sat there waiting for the one, you know that other out of shape older person to show up, oh wait that was me and there was not another one coming. So there I sat in the car freezing my ass off trying to decide if I have the balls to get out of the car and join the group or just get the hell out of there. I picked option B after calling Friend 1 to make her feel bad for not coming with me and yelling about how I was never going back, I know really grown up of me. I drove home feeling defeated, by my own insecurities. If I have learned nothing from the 3+ years in the running world, it is that runners as a whole are some of the nicest most supportive people you will ever meet. They would have been more the happy to have me join the group; there was very little chance that they would have thrown rocks at me for not being as fast as the rest of them.
But in my mind they were going to be mean to me, and make fun of me, point out the fact that I am fat and slow. I could not get out of there fast enough. Just a side note, cold and tears are not a good combo, just saying. I dove home totally humiliated, and disappointed in myself. Where did I leave my “balls”? I have always been outside the norms, but not last night. I guess being a middle aged fat chick has mad me soft. I don’t like that, not one bit. But what is done is done. Unless that design for the time machine gets the kinks worked out soon, I will not be able to go back and do thing differently.
So the question is what now?
***On a related subject I didn’t go home and cry. I was dressed or a run so that is what I did I ran for about 30 min up and down my street, running from one light pole to the next , walking to the next set and so on. It was cold and pretty awesome. I will go out again Thursday night, because I don’t have “winter conditioning”, because I AM NOT GOING BACK…EVER!!!!!!