Excessive self-admiration and self-centeredness
In psychiatry, a personality disorder characterized by the patient’s overestimation of his or her own appearance and abilities and an excessive need for admiration. In psychoanalytic theory, emphasis is placed on the element of self-directed sexual desire in the condition.
Pretty sure that the first one applies to me, and many of us who stake our claim to space in the blogosphere, I finally can see that clearly. I guess we all want to be “seen” even if it is only our words on a glowing screen in some far off place. What I didn’t know about myself was that I seem to be suffering from something called AWS (Attention Whore Syndrome). This is what I have discovered in the last few days as I’m pondering if I will continue with this act of narcissism that I call blogging. But, maybe it is not AWS but more wanting to belong to something. Could that really be what this kerfluffle is all about? This is a weird thought for this introvert. I’m traditionally not much of a joiner. In fact I go out of my way to be a stick in the mud sometimes to just get out of joining in. Some of you are not going to be shocked by that last statement, you know who you are.
As an introvert I gain energy from solitary activities, at least that is what the lame ass “definitions” of the word would have you believe. It will also tell you that I am supposed to be a shy person or a recluse. The formal definition also makes introverts sound like self-centered assholes at least that’s what people read into it. The whole “somebody whose feelings and thoughts are directed inward”, I can see how one could think that. True story when my co-worker was asked what an introvert was she looked it up on the internet. Saw a similar definition, the first thing she got from it was that introverts only care about themselves. Please don’t misunderstand I surely do have my self-centered asshole moments, maybe more than I realize sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to have a sense of belonging.
I do spend time in solitary activities, and I spend time in my own head. I think it is what gives the bitchy voices such a strong foothold. They have my undivided attention much of the time. The negative thoughts start to quietly rattle around in there and soon they turn in to this thunder, so that I can’t think straight. It is at that point that something gives, just to get them to settle down. If I prove them right they will leave me alone is the first thought that crosses my mind. So I will stop doing whatever they are currently picking at me about. That is almost what happened here, but yesterday after I drew this:
I didn’t hear them as loudly, they had backed off just enough for me to think clearly about this situation. I got the breather that I needed to be able to see that the decision was mine not theirs to make. I hope by the fact that I’m posting this you have guessed that this is not the end for me. I like to write; honestly sometimes it is the only thing that keeps me sane. I want to be “seen”. Even if not another comment is left here at least I know that it is here if anyone ever wants to look for it. Look for me.
Sometimes as an introvert I want to be a joiner, I guess this is one of those times. Also I need to find out who I need to talk to about getting a better definition for introverts the current one chaps my shy, self-centered, recluse ass.