You hear people talk about how they want to get back to what they weighed before:
- Having kids
- Turning 40
- Just to name a few, there are as many before stories as there are people.
I don’t have a before story, partially because I have been overweight my whole life, yes even as a kid. Having grown up know this fact made me steer clear of scales for most of my adult life. So I truly have no idea what I was at my “thinnest”. I know that I have gained weight over the years but exactly how much there is no way to know that. I just know that my clothes got bigger as I moved towards 40.
While I guess I should not worry about this lack of before story it cause a very strange thing to happen for me. Because I have no frame of reference for not being fat the simple thought that I’m making progress towards not being fat anymore cause what can only be described as fear. This fear leads me to start to sabotage the efforts that are producing results. I settle back in to my familiar fat pants and say shucks next time maybe I will make it.
It was not until recent events have lead me to where I am now that I really saw what was going on with this horrible cycle that I exist in. So far due to radical changes in what I can eat I have lost more than 20lbs. It is the most I have ever lost at one time, if I had to guess I would say that all the times I have tried to lose weight over my 40 years I probably have lost 500lbs or so sadly it always comes back with friends. The last time I lost double digits was when I was on weight watchers years ago. I hit 16lbs and promptly quit going to meeting or tracking anything. Shucks maybe next time.
This time I tried really hard to go back to my old habits but not being able to eat anything with gluten in it has really put a crimp in my plan to gain it back. This is a good thing you are thinking to yourself:
- What are you bitching about?
- I would be totally stoked it I had lost 20lbs.
- What is wrong with you?
Not to worry. I had the very similar thoughts cross my mind when this pattern started to become clear. How can losing weight scare the crap out of me so badly? I really don’t have an answer to this question, but I do have some thoughts about it. I have always been the fat person in the group. Even with my friends who were overweight I was the heaviest. So my personality and persona where formed around that fact. I don’t know how to be a thinner person. I don’t have any experience at that and I really don’t do with not having at least base line first hand experience with things in my life. Pretty sure that there is now handy how to books on this subject, if I’m wrong let me know in the comments below I would love to read them.
At this time my fat clothes are too big on me so that makes me look a little bit like a homeless person. The problem being that if I get rid of them and I manage to find a way to sabotage this then I will have to buy new fat clothes and I really hate shopping in the 3’ x 3’ section at nation chain stores (yes Target I pointing fingers at you) or “specialty” shops where everything is crazy expensive. So not only am I still fat but now I’m broke too replacing stuff that I got rid of.
This time I did get rid of a lot of the stuff that is too big on me. My closet space is the size of a phone booth and there is just not room to hang on to ill-fitting items. It was a scary moment to drop them in to the donation box and drive away.
700 words later we finally get to what this post is really about. I am going to be doing the Hip Hop Abs 30 day challenge. I am fairly certain that I will not be taking any of these moves to a club near me, well ever. I dance like a white person, a really white person and I don’t think that Shaun T is a wizard and will be able to fix that. I do home to strengthen my core and have fun with it. I am also not sure I will see abs anytime soon, they have been safely hidden way for 40 years it’s going to take a lot more than just a fun dance fitness video find them.
I was talking with some people on twitter today about what age things start being inappropriate. Here is the link to it. I fall on the side of this debate that do what makes you happy no matter what age you are. Once I hit my goal weight and can stay there for a year I am getting my belly button pierced and new boobs and I don’t care if I’m 60 at the time. Side note I also have my nose pierced, too many holes in my ears and tattoos just for a point of reference in case you needed it.
I may do some videos for update but I’m not really sure yet, tonight is my first workout. I can say that I’m a bit scared but excited to give it a go. Oh I need before photos too. Eck there will be skin showing. Great now I have “Call me maybe” running through my head. And so do you now sorry about that.
Do you have a challenge for the merry month of May? Find me on twitter I’m really good at cheerleading others success.