Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “F” and the number 540. Also this post was transcribed for all of you who are not sitting at my desk while I write this, with pen and paper.
The reason this post is sponsored by the letter “F” is for the word frustration. And the number 540 because that is how many minutes are in a workday and 540,000 because it feels like there are that many things that are causing stress in my life right now, this feeds in to the frustration and it is all one big ball of crappy day(s) for me.
Now someone, somewhere posted that if you- the blogger where posting about drama and negativity, that they where not going to read it. That is fine, I can understand this. So I wanted to give you fair warning that this post is not going to fun and light hearted. It is going to be raw and maybe a bit ugly, that is how I am feeling lately. No hard feeling if you walk away now, I promise.
If you are still with me, I am going to ask one more thing from you. Please keep in mind that post is not me trying to get you to stroke my ego. I don’t want you to feel that you have to leave nice comments for me about how great I am and all of the other nice things people say when face with someone whom is upset. It is nothing more then a rant, I want to make sure that you know that up front, that I am not pandering for anything on this. It is a rant, pure and simple a rant. That I am posting on my blog that people happen to read. I don’t mind if you do leave a comment, I really like when people do but please don’t feel that you have to do so. So here it goes:
The minutes stab at me slowly, oh so slowly as I wait for all 540 of them to pass before I can escape and head home for the evening. Some of them are filled with rage/anger; those ones tend to move by quickly leaving behind the hangover of an adrenalin rush. Most are filled with hopelessness and nothingness, the fact that I have to suffer through 2700 before I get those two fleeting days that rush by in the blink of an eye then I am back walking through the door that leads to the 2700 minutes per week, that I have suffer through all over again does not help out any.
About 140,400 will pass before I will be a year older, with one more notch in my years of service belt here. Will I have anything to show for it? The answer is both yes and no. I will be able to provide for my family in a fashion that we are a custom, which is the yes. I will have had to be in an unhealthy non stimulating environment, which is the no. I do not thrive here (if you know me personally that line is funny) in anyway at all.
I have to force myself to come to work each day, to make it through those daunting 540 minutes each day. It is a place where it is very common for me to look like I am incompetent and lazy person, with bad customer service skills; this is at the hands of my co-workers and boss. I am disregarded and thought of as a stupid bitch that is more trouble then she is worth, by the “customers” as well.
I struggle with the 540 minutes in each day, because they are filled with self doubt, and feeling stupid because of the fact that you can never do anything right. How many sets of the 540 do I have to go through before I become that person that other perceive me to be?
My one wish is that I would stop fighting it and just be that incompetent, lazy, bitchy person, to just be what people see me as. I am not able to changed jobs now, which maybe the case forever at this rate. I do not have post high school education, so on paper I am nothing that someone would take a chance on. Also at this point I have lost all faith in myself as an employee. If I did some how get to the interview stage of things, I would do a piss poor job of selling myself. It is hard to sell a “product” that you don’t believe in, sadly I don’t believe in myself anymore. Plus the financial blow to my family would be devastating if I quit my job.
This is where the silver lining should go, something that I have learned from all this. At this point there is not one that I can see. Maybe someday there will be just not right now, the only thing I see is that I have an ill-fitting job that is draining the life out of me one slow passing minute at a time.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone