justalittlesnarky

Anti-Niche= good at many things, not an expert at any of them but having a great time all the same.

justalittlesnarky - Anti-Niche= good at many things, not an expert at any of them but having a great time all the same.

Tag Archives: stress

Stuck in a cube no way out

Today’s post is brought to you by the letter “F” and the number 540. Also this post was transcribed for all of you who are not sitting at my desk while I write this, with pen and paper.

The reason this post is sponsored by the letter “F” is for the word frustration. And the number 540 because that is how many minutes are in a workday and 540,000 because it feels like there are that many things that are causing stress in my life right now, this feeds in to the frustration and it is all one big ball of crappy day(s) for me.

Now someone, somewhere posted that if you- the blogger where posting about drama and negativity, that they where not going to read it. That is fine, I can understand this. So I wanted to give you fair warning that this post is not going to fun and light hearted. It is going to be raw and maybe a bit ugly, that is how I am feeling lately. No hard feeling if you walk away now, I promise.

If you are still with me, I am going to ask one more thing from you. Please keep in mind that post is not me trying to get you to stroke my ego. I don’t want you to feel that you have to leave nice comments for me about how great I am and all of the other nice things people say when face with someone whom is upset. It is nothing more then a rant, I want to make sure that you know that up front, that I am not pandering for anything on this. It is a rant, pure and simple a rant. That I am posting on my blog that people happen to read. I don’t mind if you do leave a comment, I really like when people do but please don’t feel that you have to do so. So here it goes:

The minutes stab at me slowly, oh so slowly as I wait for all 540 of them to pass before I can escape and head home for the evening. Some of them are filled with rage/anger; those ones tend to move by quickly leaving behind the hangover of an adrenalin rush. Most are filled with hopelessness and nothingness, the fact that I have to suffer through 2700 before I get those two fleeting days that rush by in the blink of an eye then I am back walking through the door that leads to the 2700 minutes per week, that I have suffer through all over again does not help out any.

About 140,400 will pass before I will be a year older, with one more notch in my years of service belt here. Will I have anything to show for it? The answer is both yes and no. I will be able to provide for my family in a fashion that we are a custom, which is the yes. I will have had to be in an unhealthy non stimulating environment, which is the no. I do not thrive here (if you know me personally that line is funny) in anyway at all.

I have to force myself to come to work each day, to make it through those daunting 540 minutes each day. It is a place where it is very common for me to look like I am incompetent and lazy person, with bad customer service skills; this is at the hands of my co-workers and boss. I am disregarded and thought of as a stupid bitch that is more trouble then she is worth, by the “customers” as well.

I struggle with the 540 minutes in each day, because they are filled with self doubt, and feeling stupid because of the fact that you can never do anything right. How many sets of the 540 do I have to go through before I become that person that other perceive me to be?

My one wish is that I would stop fighting it and just be that incompetent, lazy, bitchy person, to just be what people see me as. I am not able to changed jobs now, which maybe the case forever at this rate. I do not have post high school education, so on paper I am nothing that someone would take a chance on. Also at this point I have lost all faith in myself as an employee. If I did some how get to the interview stage of things, I would do a piss poor job of selling myself. It is hard to sell a “product” that you don’t believe in, sadly I don’t believe in myself anymore. Plus the financial blow to my family would be devastating if I quit my job.

This is where the silver lining should go, something that I have learned from all this. At this point there is not one that I can see. Maybe someday there will be just not right now, the only thing I see is that I have an ill-fitting job that is draining the life out of me one slow passing minute at a time.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tears

I have cried count less tears over the last weeks of dealing with my MIL cancer. Tears are my way of dealing with all of this. I cry and yell be mad at the world, but mostly I cry. Of all the tears that have been shed in the last 15 weeks none felt as heavy as the ones that fell today. For today was the end of this part of the story. Now we all have to pick up the pieces and write a new story, this part of the story is missing one beloved person. She will be missed but always in our harts.

“When a baby is born the angels cry and the people celebrate; when someone dies the angels celebrate and the people cry”

If you know where that quote comes from please leave me a comment.

You are doing it wrong…

I have been told this by a few people about how I have been handling this whole situation that started back at the end if July that I just need to buck up, man-up, nut up or shut up. I have found that none of that as helpful, or makes me feel any thing up like shit. Mostly it makes me mad and pretty much hurt by whom is telling me this. People that I thought where my friends or family, but they don’t seem to care about my feelings it would seem. Just dispensing crappy advice.

I am supposed to put on my “big girl” panties and not feel anything that I am feeling about this whole situation, that is the part that is wrong. I am angry, sad and scared all of the time these days. I need some one to talk to but all I get all sorts of stupid ass advice on how not to feel/deal with all this. They would like me to just go back to my “normal” life as quickly as possible. That would be the best thing for me and everyone in my family as far as they are concerned.

At this point I have no one to talk to, DH is the one that I lean on when I am having issues, but I don’t think that it is fair to dump on him or DS the way I am feeling, they are going through this too. I need to find an outlet that doesn’t hurt them in anyway. I am trying to find some one to talk to that is a trained professional, but the problem is that I am a non-believer. I think that it is all quackery.I think that it will not help, that I am just a waist of all of our time and energy. That my life will be picked apart and all my failings will be brought out of the safe hiding place that they are housed in and I will be told what I am doing wrong. I will just feel worse about my life.

I have no one to support me, but I have to support everyone around me. I just don’t know how to do that with out draining myself to the point that I just crumble. If I crumble then I am not supporting anyone. I have let everyone down if that happens. They depend on me, and I need to make sure that I don’t fail at this. I just want some one to tell me that it is going to be ok, that my family will make it through this. I know it is not going to be easy and things will be changed for ever by this loss.

I just need someone to support me. So I can support everyone else.

Now what…

I once again sit in the dark house,early before anyone else is a wake. This time there are no tears or snot, just dread. This dread is brought to you by not knowing. We do not know when the final day is for my MIL we have to take everything day-by-day. There are no familiar plans to be wrapped up in at this point. We just try to make it to the end of the day so we can do this again the next one. I am a plan person, which makes me a bit less than spontaneous this I know but I like to know what to except each day and with a plan you know that. I think other than the fact that she is going to really die, this no planing has been hard for me. I don’t handle uncharted territory very well and you can bet your sweet bibby that we are neck deep in uncharted, at this point.

All that was to say that I am dreading today, because I have to go to work today. A full 8 hr day. Due to the fact that we don’t know how long this will take, DH and I thought that it would be the best thing for me to try and get some hours in due to the lack of pay that comes from the lack of being at work. Sounds like a good plan, and it is some what of a plan. Days that we are not needed to help out I will work full days, the days that we are needed I work half days. Sounds like a pretty good plan right?

Well the one monkey in the wrench is that I dread spending the time at work. I am not sure that my co-workers understand the difficulty of this situation. They can sit back and tell me how it is not fair that I am not there, that I should just cut and run from it all so that I don’t have to be part of this. On the other hand there are “if there is anything I can do people” I think they also feel like I need to be there, and may not understand fully the situation either.

What I do know is that I can not make either group understand what is happening in my world right now. So what I need to do so I can make it through with out any more baggage is to know that it is not something I can change, and be ok with it. I am doing the best I can to balance these chainsaws that I seem to be juggling right now, and that is all I can do.

This post was inspired by:
“… grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference…”

I will not miss…

The commute of 45 min + one way

The oppressing stress

The dread

The fear and just not knowing what is next

Fast food

Not having enough coffee

The lack of sleep

The cold staff that seemed not care that this is a really hard time for us

The hopeless feelings

The hours and days spent crying

The rage of not being able to do more

The not needed “thank you” s from other parts of the family

The emotional torment that came everyday as we arrived at the hospital

The thought that we were going to lose the family member

I hope you can tell from my list that things have progressed in a positive direction. We will no longer be spending time at the hospital, the family member went home yesterday. We are not completely out of the woods but it is looking like we are moving in the right direction.

I would like to say a big thank you to those I have meet on various places on the Internet that have been following this drama filled part of my life. It helps some times to know that there are people who care about you, just because you are you. Again thank you.

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